What the F?

This afternoon when John came and picked me up for lunch I saw one of the GROSSEST things I had EVER SEEN on the hood of his car. In fact I could barely tell what it was…poop? Barf? A decomposed body? What was worse is that there was some dry liquid along with the mystery mound that had run down the front of the hood! It kind of looked like the liquid might have come from the mound…but if so, then someone or something had moved it out of the liquid! All I know is that I was totally grossed out and my lunch hour had just started!

I looked in the car at John and he wasn’t looking for my reaction or anything! I couldn't believe it. So I enter the car and ask him nicely,

Me: WHAT IS THAT ON YOUR CAR?

John: What are you talking about? (Was he serious? How could he miss that pile-o-poop/barf?)

Me: ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

John: What are you talking about? (As he drives away)

Me: SOMEONE POOPED ON YOUR CAR!! At least I think it’s poop.

John: WHAT? Are you kidding me? (You could barely see the mound from inside of the car)

Me: How could you not notice that? Did you enter your car from the back?

John: Yup. Maybe some homeless man came and took a dump on my car! (The car was parked in the DMV lot over night as he’s trying to sell it).

Me: It does look like it could be human…but why would anyone crawl up on the top of your car and drop a deuce?

As we continue this banter in trying it figure out what the heck happened, John drove as fast as he could to the nearest car wash. Right before we entered, I stepped out to take a photo of it, since he HADN’T EVEN SEEN THE RUNNY LIQUID PART. (Click on it if you dare!)

John paied for the MAXIMUM EXTREME WASH and hoped that it had one of those high-powered roller brushes. It unfortunately did not, and every time a new brush would sweep buy we would do our best to see if the turd/barf/mangled corpse had been washed a way, but it hadn't. All the car wash did was spread it out so it looked even BIGGER!

John then realizes that he probably should have tried to scrub it off BEFORE the car wash! Duh! I told him just be thankful that he’s not the car behind us who will be getting their car washed with poop brushes.

Then it’s time for the air dryer…can you just imagine what happened next? Chunks of the barf START FLYING over the car windshield! It was SO GROSS!! It was like a really bad 3D movie, and not matter how far I slouched in my seat I couldn’t get away from the flying poo. Every time a chunk went airborne we would both let out helpless cries, along with some dry heaving sound affects.

After we exited the wash, John manned up and got a windshield brush to get the rest of it off the car.

What is worse is that the air blow dryer blew chunks of the mystery meat into the grill/vent!! John said it looked like ground turkey, raw hamburger, and something with hair. We think some animal, (possum, cat, raccoon), must have eaten some other animal, (bird, gopher, baby possum), which did not sit well with their stomach which cause a double explosion from both ends. That would at least explain why the solid matter was not touching the liquid matter. We still don’t know why the animal decided to empty out their contents on the car, but I’d really like too get a hold of the security tape from the DMV! I just really hope it wasn’t a homeless man who hates BMW drivers. Even so...I am sure glad we are getting rid of that car! Oh wait! I mean...is anyone interested in buying a 98' BMW? If so, let me know!

Nature's Garbage Disposal

You know it really amazes me…just when I think I have run out of ideas to blog about, the blogging gods take pity on me and answer my prayers. I will admit that I haven’t had the easiest time coming up with topics over the last few weeks. I like to keep things light and funny, but you know really…my life really isn’t a laugh a minute. I know! Can you believe it? Shocking I’m sure.

This morning when I left for work I saw something limp and furry lying in the road about 15 feet from our house. (I was really hoping it wasn’t someone’s pet cat.) As I drove by I really didn’t want to look, but I knew I had too, and you know you would have as well. I was really lucky that there wasn't blood or guts, and that it wasn’t a cat. It was a possum, and from the looks of it I think it might have just been a head wound. Poor lil’ fella. However I think I would have had more compassion had it not looked like a GIANT RAT.

(Are you starting to wonder how this is into could possibly turn into a compelling entry?)

So I get to work and a co-worker of mine, named Ken, asked me how I liked the nice dead rat in front of my house. (He lives a few blocks away and often walks his two cute dogs by our house in the mornings.) I told him it really did not make my morning and I’m hoping someone will come and pick it up. He suggested that John could make some possum stew for dinner…uh…no thanks.

Lunchtime rolls around and I head home to meet John. As I walk into the house, John says:

‘I'm so glad you didn't disturb the birds.’

Excuse me?

‘Check out our buddies on the front lawn.’

I look through our kitchen window to see two HUGE turkey vultures! One standing guard and one GNAWING AWAY AT THE BLOODY POSSUM CARCASS!!!!! It was SO GROSS!

I then got really mad thinking that someone threw that bloody body in our yard! I mean it’s bad enough to have poop in your yard, but a decaying animal? Come on! What will be next? A human limb?

John said he thought that the vultures might have moved the body into our yard. Aren’t they smart? They didn’t want to be dodging cars while enjoying their all you can eat buffet.

Soon after my anger died ed down came the embarrassment. We live right on a corner where a lot of people drive by. I can’t imagine how pleasant it must have been for our neighbors to see the two vultures chowing down like it's Thanksgiving! I only saw a few cars drive by, but about half of them drove by really slowly. I even saw one do a double take! SO EMBARRASSING!

The one vulture that was standing guard totally creeped me out. Like was he on attack mode? Could there have been a fight to the death with one of the neighborhood dogs if he came by to find out where the smell of death was coming from? I did see the birds switch rolls at one point. It was just so unsettling. Here they are during the festivity:

So John and I eat our lunch…all the while I’m trying block out the image of the bird ripping off the bloody chunks of flesh. Somehow I managed, but I have no idea how. I guess I was lucky that I wasn't eating tomato sauce.

As we were getting read to leave John ran back into the living room (from the kitchen), saying that he thinks a guy just drove by to pick up the possum! I totally didn’t think he was telling me the truth, but then he said that he was parked in the driveway!

So we crept back into the kitchen all quiet and hunched over, hoping that the dude doesn’t realize we are home. However we did have two cars parked outside, so I have the feeling he must have known someone was there!

So I grab the camera and capture this disgusting event on film. (You are lucky that the quality of the video greatly decreased after I uploaded it.)

John was crouching down right next to me, so that is why I tried to get him on the vid at the end.

Meanwhile I am already about 5 minutes late to head back to work, but then I can’t leave because his car is parked behind mine! Then after he got into his car it looked like he was writing up a report. I’m sure it included under observations: ‘Saw a glimpse of the home owners who were hiding behind their kitchen table.’

Finally he left and John said that I could always tell my boss that the reason I was late was because a county vehicle was blocking my car because he had to pick up a dead possum in my yard. And if that didn’t work I could tell her to ask Ken because he could back me up on this one.

Hold that Pose!

The other day my mom and I were chatting, via gmail, and she tells me how a Papillion breeder sent her a cute profile pic of one of her pups. I guess this pup is really hyper and she had been having the hardest time getting a good still photo of him.

My mom then pastes in the message from the breeder, who was more than willing to share her photographic tip:

Judy: Judy, I took a picture of him while he was taking a dump and cropped it down so only his head was left. Otherwise all photos are taken on the fly and come out blurry from the high speed. The nice thing about digital is you can take lots of pictures and then manipulate them so only the best parts of the photo are left.

me: are you kidding me???? That is so gross! What about holding a treat in front of the dogs nose and making them hold still for it?

Judy: This is a totally serious photo tip. I knew you would appreciate it.

me: yeah right! I mean any tip with the word 'dump' in it is totally serious.

Judy: REMEMBER. This pup has never had a good pic b/c he is always on the move.

me: what about when the pup is sleeping?

Judy: I knew that you, as a photographer, would appreciate this, since animals and babies are notoriously difficult to photograph. If you had seen previous photos, you would think this is a winner.

me: yeah I did take 200+ photos this past weekend and probably got 70 that I liked.

Judy: Now that I know he was pooping, the picture isn't so cute.
In fact, I think it is ruined for me

me: I know! It’s awful! Ask her for the un-cropped version.

Judy: Are you serious?
She is a really bad photographer. She was bragging about her new camera, etc, but we never got a photo for about 6 months, and they ALL were blurry when she finally sent them

me: no

Judy: Oh, you don't want the un-cropped version?
I think that would be a real winner for the blog

me: are you serious? I can't believe she was bragging about it

Judy: totally bragging

me: well I don't even know if I need the original photo. Just knowing that she is grunting one out, makes you know that it’s a legit look.

Judy: I can't get it out of my mind!

me: I had to get that off my screen!

Judy: So it might be the camera that is holding her back. She could be getting action shots, but, instead, she has to wait for someone to crap. It is a long wait.

me: ummmmm that might be part of it, but I’m sure if a photographer has to rely on his/her subjects dropping a deuce...it may be more than the camera, ya know?

Judy: LOL
I wish she hadn't told me

me: I know!
Did you ask her how she got the shot?

Judy: No, I just complimented her b/c it wasn't blurry
The first unblurry photo ever from her

me: oh geesh!
I can't believe she shared that info

Judy: Yeah. She just spilled her guts…it was more info than I needed

So here is the photo below… what do you think?

This could be a whole new revolution in photography…for pets and humans! You know I bet there is a website already out there that is dedicated to this subject. First one that finds it gets a steaming hot smelly bag delivered to their front door!