Thursday, June 12, 2008

What the F?

This afternoon when John came and picked me up for lunch I saw one of the GROSSEST things I had EVER SEEN on the hood of his car. In fact I could barely tell what it was…poop? Barf? A decomposed body? What was worse is that there was some dry liquid along with the mystery mound that had run down the front of the hood! It kind of looked like the liquid might have come from the mound…but if so, then someone or something had moved it out of the liquid! All I know is that I was totally grossed out and my lunch hour had just started!

I looked in the car at John and he wasn’t looking for my reaction or anything! I couldn't believe it. So I enter the car and ask him nicely,


John: What are you talking about? (Was he serious? How could he miss that pile-o-poop/barf?)


John: What are you talking about? (As he drives away)

Me: SOMEONE POOPED ON YOUR CAR!! At least I think it’s poop.

John: WHAT? Are you kidding me? (You could barely see the mound from inside of the car)

Me: How could you not notice that? Did you enter your car from the back?

John: Yup. Maybe some homeless man came and took a dump on my car! (The car was parked in the DMV lot over night as he’s trying to sell it).

Me: It does look like it could be human…but why would anyone crawl up on the top of your car and drop a deuce?

As we continue this banter in trying it figure out what the heck happened, John drove as fast as he could to the nearest car wash. Right before we entered, I stepped out to take a photo of it, since he HADN’T EVEN SEEN THE RUNNY LIQUID PART. (Click on it if you dare!)

John paied for the MAXIMUM EXTREME WASH and hoped that it had one of those high-powered roller brushes. It unfortunately did not, and every time a new brush would sweep buy we would do our best to see if the turd/barf/mangled corpse had been washed a way, but it hadn't. All the car wash did was spread it out so it looked even BIGGER!

John then realizes that he probably should have tried to scrub it off BEFORE the car wash! Duh! I told him just be thankful that he’s not the car behind us who will be getting their car washed with poop brushes.

Then it’s time for the air dryer…can you just imagine what happened next? Chunks of the barf START FLYING over the car windshield! It was SO GROSS!! It was like a really bad 3D movie, and not matter how far I slouched in my seat I couldn’t get away from the flying poo. Every time a chunk went airborne we would both let out helpless cries, along with some dry heaving sound affects.

After we exited the wash, John manned up and got a windshield brush to get the rest of it off the car.

What is worse is that the air blow dryer blew chunks of the mystery meat into the grill/vent!! John said it looked like ground turkey, raw hamburger, and something with hair. We think some animal, (possum, cat, raccoon), must have eaten some other animal, (bird, gopher, baby possum), which did not sit well with their stomach which cause a double explosion from both ends. That would at least explain why the solid matter was not touching the liquid matter. We still don’t know why the animal decided to empty out their contents on the car, but I’d really like too get a hold of the security tape from the DMV! I just really hope it wasn’t a homeless man who hates BMW drivers. Even so...I am sure glad we are getting rid of that car! Oh wait! I anyone interested in buying a 98' BMW? If so, let me know!


Anonymous said...

I think it was whatever was making Sarah sick yesterday. Why she drove 5 hours just to puke on your car is her business, but I don't think you'd be out of line to ask why.

Sarah said...

I think it's obvious that those turkey buzzards got their revenge on you. Disturbing their buffet the other day has started a full-on war. They only did it at the DMV to throw you off their track.

And no it wasn't me. I only drove 20 minutes to get to Molly's house. She'll have a nice surprise when she goes out to her car this morning. Hey-oh!

Nathan and Emily said...

wow you just helped me keep to my diet today. Probable for the next week:)

Amber said...

OMG, I can't breath. That is single handedly the FUNNIEST thing I had read in ages! It totally takes my Piano Man nightmare from the church and washes it away....if the piano guy keeps pissing me off, think we could get something to poop/vomit/decompose on his car? It could be my wedding gift...LOL

Judy S said...

Well, it definitely might perhaps be
partially digested possum barfed up
by a vulture. Just a wild guess...

Amber, don't you remember that cat
we used to have that loved to poop and
puke on my car? Remember the time he
did it on the roof and it slid down the
windshield and was resting on the windshield
wiper (on the driver's side, of course)?
I doubt if I cleaned it off before driving you
to school. I was (and still am) always late,
as you know.

Daniel and Brianne said...

HILARIOUS! I love the play by play pictures too! I would totally watch the reality show, "The Awesome Adventures of John and Amber." You two crack me up!